Suckcesspool – 10 Commandments


Ask yourself – are you truly successful or are you a successfool? If you truly want to climb up the corporate ladder then please remember you ve got to be a part of  a pool.The SuckcessPool.Let me tell you a short story of a how a suckcesspool worker became a suckcessfool leader.

Once there was a simple Jerk, who would drink silly and fool around in life.Then one day he struck fool’s Gold. Almost overnight he became the Golden jerk.Everything he touched turned to Gold…including his tongue and his bosses arse. His mantra was upwards management -bottom to top –  the better you suck-up the more “suck-cessful” you get.! His vocabulary changed from being the regular jerk to the outrageous in-your-face jerk. Yet he got more suckscessful.In short more Jerk.If someone had to be in his good books – guess what they had to do ?

No prizes for guessing this one. He slowly, but surely built an army of suckers.Guess what – they all did well under his suckcessfull leadership. Then on it was a norm to be a sucker, and each sucker would compete with the other to see who could suck better.The Golden jerk quite enjoyed this and felt elevated playing god of jerks.As if this was not enough – Golden jerk pulled out the ultimate jerk plan and got into the big league.Now he is a high jerker,with much higher jerks.

Like i say..the risk in being outstanding..is that you risk standing out.!

Being  Outstanding could have a lot of interpretations you see.One of them being the type of people who do not fall in line.Who do not suck up.More often than not,The painful thing is that these people who don’t suck up – somehow land up reporting into them –  which makes life additionally difficult  – to truly suckseed.

So what do those people do   ? What do those people, who cannot suck up for the love of godfather,do ? Give up? Or is there hope.?  Well if you are a non-sucker…read on. Have no fear you non-suckers – just follow the 10 commandments to suckseed. Here are a few points which could take one high up the suck-cess ladder …I usually charge for this kind of invaluable advice..but I wanted to give back to the society from which I ve got so much suckcess , so here goes —

  1. Have a thick skin.
    1. Develop the ability to take jibes
    2. Learn to smile at outrageous comments.
    3. Never contradict.
    4. Ignore pangs of speaking out.
  2. Godfather
    1. Choose a Godfather carefully.
    2. The earlier you have one the better.
    3. Have a backup Godfather.
    4. Make friends with godfather’s friends.
    5. Fall in line with godfathers wishes.
    6. Be visible at all times.
  3. Over Communicate
    1. Be visible at all times.
    2. Send more reply all’s
    3. Highlight work -big time.
    4. Highlight how difficult it was and how you turned it around -ofcourse under the leadership of Godfather.
    5. Articulate GF’s value to the organization.
  4. Don’t get intelligent
    1. Dedicate all great ideas  – under his leadership
    2. Have one on one’s even if there’s nothing to talk.
    3. Act dumb even if you knew the answer or had a better idea.
    4. Utter only politically correct statements no matter how farcical they sound.
  5. Subtle Suck
    1. Please suck up subtly .Lest you might be ridiculed by Godfather himself.
    2. Suck up as if you re truly inspired.
    3. Preach the doctrine of subtle suck up to juniors.
    4. town hall meets and all hands call – suck up openly.
    5. use words like “my mentor”,my guru, my fuhrer. [Well maybe not the last one.]
  6. Consistency
    1. Consistent suck up = loyalty bonus.
    2. It does take time before Godfather buys your suck-up’s.
    3. Too much too soon might backfire.Suck at a slow incremental pace.
    4. Have high need for approval in everything you do.[only from GF]
    5. If GF is in a temporary slump – continue exercise at the same pace.
  7. Analytical ability
    1. Analyse GF’s hot buttons quickly.
    2. Analyse if he has any say higher up.
    3. Analyse his position of command.
    4. Analyse what he likes to see the most.
  8. Look Important
    1. hang out with people who have a visibility quotient.
    2. look busy at all times.
    3. use words like – if only I had some time i would breathe.
    4. don’t reply to emails instantly especially those from juniors.
    5. one liner emails without greetings is CEO like behavior.
  9. Suckcesspool Competition.
    1. Be ware of fellow smart suckers.
    2. Anticipate their suckcess plan and have a counter plan ready.
    3. Be ware female suckers – you are at high risk.
    4. If you see a new sucker on the horizon -Nip it in the bud.
    5. Help eliminate non-sucker gradually.
  10. The Non-sucker
    1. Don’t have a Jerry Mcguire moment.
    2. Stay away and or phase out this infectious breed as the case maybe.
    3. empathise with non sucker privately – see if you can turn him around.
    4. Don’t let them form a group – they mutate pretty fast.
    5. Divide and rule – convert each one at a time if you must.

Well with that I guess you are on your way to the top of the world and In case you didn’t get there – Losers have philosophies winners have strategies.

 

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