Did it ever occur to you why apes are not turning into people anymore? Maybe it s better to remain that way.So lets try to view life the ape way.Lets take some of the basic considerations in our society today and plot it against their lifestyle and find out what really happens?
There would be no religion, no caste, no creed, and therefore less or no conflict.Any ape can get married to any ape in any part of the jungle.How cool is that?So no family feuds or religious conflicts.Rizwanur and Nitish Katara would be alive today, and life would much more peaceful. No dowry deaths.They would all share the same fruit and there is plenty available for all. Since all the family always hangs out together,there would be no domestic violence.Every member would serve as a lock check and balance to the other.The entire family would live together eat dinner together and play together. No property fights or land disputes – no broken families and estranged cousins.Salim and Javed would still write for Amitabh Bachchan and Anil and Mukesh Ambani would still eat “Thepla” together albeit with coconut water and some dozen bananas.
You still would hang around with your family all the time and support them when they re old.Dumping them in an old forest was never an option.You have friends who look like you so there is no discrimination – no Fair and Lovely or Fair and Handsome product sold to fool people. You would be happy with your skin color and the way it is textured and not want to change a thing.SRK would be one -less- ad- rich and still be happy.Akshay Kumar would get to fulfil his dream of jumping off trees and swinging across the forest. Impressionistic youngsters would not meet with road rage accident or hit and run. No BMW hit and run cases,although coconut hit and run could be a distinct reality. No footpath killings,roll overs as most of them would be on trees. No grieving fmailies of lost children and missed parents.
Culture & Page 3
No moral policing.No Pramod Mutalik , no “pink chaddi campaign” ( ape and chaddi?) No self professed protector of the Indian culture billboard carrier.No MNS,no Sushma Swaraj’s screaming lungs protecting the Indian value system. Everyone has space to be the way they want, see what they want, and abstain from what they want…dress the way they want(sic).! It would be a truly free world. Bollywood-not-be-scared to hug and kiss on screen, actors will no longer use the mother of all hypocritical statement “I will bare only if the script demands it.” The two kissing flower theory will finally be put to rest.
Expressing love by touching will not be a sleazy perverted thing.It will be a reassuring ,respectful and warm thing.Giving a big warm hug will not be just a clash of chests , but a meeting point of hearts.No saas-bahu (mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law) conflicts.Pakistan media will finally stop claiming that all of Indian society is like KSBKBT serial.They will stop worrying about how Indian soap opera culture is destroying their homes and their children are becoming un-islamic.”Good Morning with Farah” will finally see some sense on why it is important to become humans before being Indians or Pakistanis.
Indian serial makers will stop procuring jewelry stores for every episode.Ekta Kapoor will start thinking about green revolution on television.She will immediately sign a multi-million dollar contract with Animal Planet.Star Plus will reintroduce Amitabh Bachchan as Kaun Banega Jungle ka Coconut-pati. Amitabh’s baritone greeting of deviyon and sajjanon will have a new meaning and aadab, namashkar and sat shriya akal will no longer be applicable.Sabyasachi ,Manish Malhotra or a Rohit Bal will now design on leaves and trees.Lady Gaga will not promote the meat-dress.Instead stocks for coconuts and bananas will go out of the roof.
Suhel Seth will no longer need to scream shout or even act (huh?) no brand management for trees would be required.Arnab Goswami would do well without his histrionics,dramatics and provocations, some apes have really long hands you know.Instead focus on TreesNow channel.Shobha De will write a new book “Sex on tress” which will become a bestseller and Chetan Bhagat will follow suit with One night perched on a Tree as a sequel to his illustrious publications.The puritan Vikram Seth will write about “A Suitable Chimp” in full earnestness and Arundhati Roy will research on a new title “Coconuts of small things” – a subject closer to her heart perhaps.
Reality shows will still be loud and vulgar and boring at the same time.New shows like “Big Bananas” will hit screens.Rakhi Sawant will not undergo and proclaim cosmetic surgery she will instead be accepted the way she is or was.Archana Puran Singh and Shekhar Suman will finally laugh at themselves freely for Comedy Central was funny for no reason and yet they kept laughing.The joke was on them.C.I.D will finally stop hamming and need not chase the banana hunters.
Olympic opening ceremony will be without any wastage of electricity,food,pollution,exploitation.The anti-doping authorities would focus on healthy eating and athletes would rather focus on competing than doping.Marion Jones would still be running and Ben Johnson would still be Canada’s darling. India would finally balance its obsession for Cricket give cognizance to Gymnastics and athletics. Susheel Kumar would practise with heavy logs (maybe he still does) and Abhinav Bindra would shoot with coconut pellets.Mary Kom would have to break open coconuts.
IPL would be re-branded as Indian Banana League but BCCI would retain its title.Sachin would better his follow-through in jungle trails and Zaheer improve his swing.Viru would continue to play his “natural” game and Dhoni would think about cooling the coconut water.
Global Politics & Economy :
No scams.No money laundering.No hoarding of stocks( – imagine a banana stock scam?) no swiss bank accounts with scam money or bananas.Corruption will be gone.No one can bribe anyone with a coconut or a banana for that matter.No taxpayer will wonder where his money went?
No voting or rigging of cocnuts.No wasting of public money to campaign for banannas.No BJP versus Congress debate. Dr.Manmohan Singh will be finally left alone to do his job the way he wants, Sonia Gandhi will no longer belong to the foreign tree.L.K.Advani will finally quit BJP a happy man and spend more time with his family and stop worrying about how India will be shining ? It will be green all over.
Pakistan will not fight over Kashmir and find a new way to complain about the coconuts which block the water flow into their regions.No more militants no more infiltration, no boundaries no weapons.Zahid Hamid can relax and Hasan Nisar need not retort. Indian will stop spending on arms and redirect budget on growing more trees.India will open its borders to all its neighbours and improve banana-lateral relations.
America will stop outsourcing coconut trees to India and give banana aids to Pakistan.They will focus on improving the quality of bananas so that the health care system is not burdend.There will be no sub-prime crises as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac wont need to sell dream trees.Everyone will already have their own trees.
China will stop manufacturing fake coconuts and sell it back to the world at lower prices.Instead focus on creating a better healthy living for 2bn chinese people.(Noodles will still be a strong contender for global food alternative to bananas.)Skies will be clearer in beijing.Moscow will learn new tricks to beat extreme cold and invent a new mis of vodka with coconut water – Vodconut. Singapore will definitely have the cleanest trees,coconuts will fall just at the right time in the right precise order and fall into the correct mouth time after time.Zero failure.Australia will rethink their beer strategy.Fosters will be rebranded Forresters.
Iran and Iraq will become as beautiful as they were before and focus on eating pure and healthy bananas without having to fight for it.Saudi arabia will fund a new project worth $300zn to create the world tallest coconut tree building – Al Coco Burrp…and Africa will say I told you so.We knew it all along.Serengetti will become the top tourist destination in the world.
Aliens would finally arrive, and coexist with us seeing such a peaceful in habitat and we would become a model world for the universe to follow.Fools paradise is ironical because the joke is really on us.
Disclaimer: This is a fiction piece written in jest and means no disrespect to any human being,animal,country,community or complexity.No animals were harmed during this process – (the chicken coconut burger is still in the microwave).